All-NBA Debauchery Team

By Jack Duhamel

During last week’s Wizards/Nuggets game the camera panned to Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler- a seemingly innocuous frame, but intriguing upon further review. Both men were dressed impeccably, fully abiding by Stern’s wardrobe regulations. They seemed disinterested in the game, possibly planning out a night on the town. The two had endless options and the prospects of hanging out with ‘Melo for the night had them giddy. For every well documented Pac Man Jones extravaganza, thousands slip under the radar. To be fair, it is possible I was wrong about these two; maybe they had good intentions on that sideline and enough professionalism to keep it clean after the game. Regardless, a conversation was spurred between Collins, Anderson and I. We began exposing the NBA’s heavy hitters in nightlife and general illegal behavior. Some players were implicated due to bona fide track records, other based purely on speculation. The list became extensive, a true who’s who of NBA debauchery. We were left with no other option but to begin drafting teams, forming the first annual NBA Debauchery Fantasy League. Here are the results:

My Team:

PG: Sebastian Telfair

SG: Desmond Mason

SF: Carmelo Anthony

PF: Zach Randolph

C: Kwame Brown

Util: Stephan Marbury

Util: Yi Jianlian

Analysis: I felt very comfortable selecting ‘Melo with the second overall pick. His marijuana infractions, bank roll and gang ties will provide my team with a consistent threat. Zach Randolph is a jack of all trades, being able to contribute in a variety of ways:

•1995. Thirty days in juvenile detention for shoplifting.

•High school years: Thirty days of house arrest for battery. Thirty days in juvenile detention for receiving stolen property, a gun.

•2002. Underage drinking arrest in Marion, Ind., his hometown.

•2003. Team suspension by the Trail Blazers for sucker-punching teammate Ruben Patterson in practice and breaking his eye socket.

•2003. Arrested in Portland for driving under the influence of intoxicants and marijuana.

•2004. Accused by police of lying in an investigation of his brother shooting three men in an Indiana nightclub.

•2006. Suspended by the Trail Blazers for making obscene gestures to fans after a game in Indiana.

•2006. Sued by a Portland woman for sexual assault, though prosecutors didn't file criminal charges.

•2007. Left a strip club without paying the bill while he was on bereavement leave from the team and missed three games after the death of his girlfriend's cousin.

•2007. Earlier this month, police were called to the parking lot of a strip club where Randolph and teammate Darius Miles were part of a gathering and a gunshot was fired.

Yi Jianlian was a very risky pick for me, but I couldn’t pass up on the flair he brings to the table. Before moving to Milwaukee, Jianlian lived a lavish lifestyle in LA, complete with red carpet sightings and flashy Sean Jean wardrobe. Throw in Telfair’s gun charges and an equally problematic cousin and I have the makings of a very strong team.

Collins’ Team:

PG: Allen Iverson

SG: JR Smith

SF: Stephen Jackson

PF: Andrei Kirilenko

C: Rasheed Wallace

Util: Darius Miles

Util: Ron Artest

Analysis: Collins’ first two picks of Miles and Jackson left me with a bit of jealousy and second guessing. A 2004 Darius Miles arrest tape has recently surfaced, giving Collins indisputable street credibility. I do have some chemistry concerns though. Artest’s struggles have been well chronicled, but I view him as a loner, possibly not able to contribute in a group environment. The pick of AK47 was a real head scratcher for me. What will this guy contribute besides the yearly permissible fling?

Anderson’s Team:

PG: Jamaal Tinsley

SG: Ricky Davis

SF: Bonzi Wells

PF: Josh Childress

C: Sean Williams

Util: DJ Strawberry

Util: Nate Robinson

Analysis: Jamaal Tinsley was the steal of the draft in the fourth round. He was the third Brooklyn point guard off the board, but clearly the best for this fantasy league after further review. Known as “Mel Mel the Abuser” for his tenacious style of play at Rucker Park, Tinsley has accumulated a handful of DUIs and assault cases during his seven years in the NBA. A quick read of this article chronicling a Tinsley high powered shootout will tell you everything you need to know about this guy. I love the pick of Strawberry, his extreme predisposition to substance abuse trumps his clean record.

I’d like to hear a little feedback from the reader on this one. Feel free to post your lineup or personal favorite sinners in the COMMENTS section.