A day in the life of Jack Duhamel, as he battles the Monotony...
1/25/08
9:30 AM- Rise and shine. I’ve accomplished the “Threepeat”, also known as waking up three consecutive days before 10 AM, a most noble feat.
10:00 - Flipping through the channels to get the brain cells moving for the day, I decide to watch “The Marine”, starring John Cena. While it’s not the most realistic portrayal of marine life, it does a fine job in exploring the postwar struggles of a young jar head. Cena’s cushy $18/hr security position was not fulfilling enough- the satisfaction just wasn’t there. I switched over to SportCenter after the opening scene, not much of an attention grabber.
10:30- I accelerate the channel surfing to Mach 2 range, a gross exploitation of the finest television package this country has to offer. If you have not jumped on the Direct TV bandwagon, it’s not too late. Get that technology upgrade.
12:00- Anderson and I head out to the URI campus for lunch. We make a pit stop at Dunkin Donuts for a fresh brew of the local flavor. We drink and drive, finally deciding on Quizno’s due to the heralded Baja Chicken sandwich. Anderson orders first and I follow with an identical Baja Chicken order, minus the cheese and chipotle mayo. Apparently something was lost in translation and I ended up getting a small sandwich, borderline torture for an imposing 200 lb statuesque blogger. The preparer looked overworked; I’ll chalk it up to human error.
-I opened up a brief dialogue with her well-rested coworker. I came clean as a staunch Subway guy (Foot long Italian herbs and cheese, Chicken Parm w/ provolone and lettuce (a tip from a creative worker a few years ago, haven’t looked back since)). Everybody in the restaurant began smirking- I felt like a lesser man for some reason. I inquired about the possibility of creating a chicken parm with existing ingredients, but they wouldn’t budge.
12:15- I devour the Baja with Kobayashi type speed. It was painfully small and highly overrated. The last two recommendations I’ve been given have been sub par- The Number 23 and this sandwich. While the cilantro does a nice job in tying everything together, the heart of the sandwich is lacking. The worker said “you’ll never turn back” but I think my next lunch will be crafted by Subway.
12:30 - Anderson and I realize the lyrics to Wyclef Jean’s new song Sweetest Girl are not “I’mma tell you, like you told me”, but rather, “I’mma tell you, like WU told me.” It’s a great discovery, really alleviating a bit of confusion stemming from what we thought was a peculiar lyric.
12:50- Jay arrives and quickly jets to the refrigerator. He looks hungry, which is not a problem as he is expecting to dip into his pasta reserves. He specifically ordered three servings of pasta to extend through the weekend. The pasta is not there- Jay is furious. So here comes the classic Witch-hunt as we’ve all seen countless times. I knew I would be interrogated being the most notorious fridge thief in the house. “I did NOT eat the pasta.” I stood strong. I could say in confidence that I did NOT eat the leftovers. I then steered Jay towards a couple more likely suspects who I will breakdown case by case.
Me - An obvious choice. In the eyes of Jay and Co. this is not even a question. I’ve struck countless refrigerators in various kitchens. I’m battle tested. I know how to eat and deny with a straight face-an essential skill in this business. Odds 3/2
Jordan- A drifter who found his way to our house for the past few nights in search of shelter and maybe, one free meal too many. Jay may have run into the perfect storm here- a scary blend of a hungry penniless man with nothing to lose and a whole lotta carbs to gain. With my proclamation of innocence this seems like the most logical culprit. Odds 1/2
Mike- My personal favorite case- a true dark horse. He had his own tray of leftovers (Italian Macaroni and Cheese) which he saw as his cover. “Jay, why would I eat your food when I have my own?” he thought to himself. The perfect excuse. He was bulletproof. Untouchable. My theory is Mike was looking to spice things up a little bit, possibly thinking the grass may be greener with Jay’s chicken dish. He was late to bed and early to rise, so no problem logistically. He’s slipping through the cracks here, evading Jay’s furious line of questioning and I’m not too thrilled about it. Odds 5/1
Anderson- A very respectable man when it comes to leftovers. He’s been burned hundreds of times and exhibited some of the all time classic rants. He’s a provider. Very unlikely for him to cross that line and join the dark side I know all too well. The only reason he’s on this list is because he was in the house. Odds 10/1
Alyssa- She may even be a bigger dark horse than Mike. She was spotted a couple times late night/early morning snooping around the kitchen. This would be totally out of character for her, which she may have played to her advantage. Why would anybody think she ate the leftovers in question? Definitely a conspiracy theory, but there may be something to it. 100/1
1:05- Mike and the Maddog come on the YES network. This last week has been some of the best TV of the year. Maddog’s “Marquee” persona for the trivia segment of the show is hilarious. For those of you who don’t know he wears a regal looking outfit which includes a flamboyant mask. Yesterday a few callers spoke of easy questioning sending Marquee into pit-bull mode for two hours. The questions became harder and Marquee cursed out every failed caller. There has never been more foolish behavior on live TV. A middle aged man with a slurred NY drawl in complete Marquee mode ranting and raving after every incorrect answer while continuously referencing the callers who sparked this fire.
***This concludes the RD titled January 25, 2008***
I’d like to ask you the reader for a bit of advice. I’m looking to join a local gym and I’ve got two very strong options available.
World’s Gym- Everything you look for in a gym. Beautiful, state- of- the art equipment, large spread of “flat panel” televisions, inspiring music, generous hours of operation. Basically just the total package, the “five-tool” gym.
Steve’s Gym- “The Time Machine.” This is a real blast from the past. This “gym” is wedged in the corner of a strip mall, in between a Subway and a pet store. While the chick parm and the doggies in the window are nice perks, they may rank highly on a short list of superlatives for this place. The owner, Steve, gave us a tour the other day and delivered his sales pitch. He spoke of training athletes out in California and the muscle tearing and rebuilding process. We were impressed by this because Steve has a commanding presence, eerily similar to Sylvester Stallone. He offers lower rates than World’s and offers $39 personal training sessions. It is also much closer in proximity to my house. I’d be sacrificing a ton in gym equipment and exercise opportunity, but I’d be gaining a bit of muscle (Steve) for any future protection.
What do you think guys?
Send all recommendations and suspected culprit to ilovethisgame@yahoo.com
ZN Finds Himself in a Tough Spot...
The one week hiatus between the NFL conference championships and the Super Bowl is rather mundane for the New York sports fan, or any sports fan for that matter. The NFL stories coming out of the respective locker rooms are purely hype and predicated on half truths. Super Bowl predictions and analysis are generally tepid because writers and talk show hosts need to save some bullets for the upcoming week. The NFL draft, MLB hot stove, and NCAA hoops just don’t seem pertinent. The Knicks and Nets are terrible and the NBA's scheduling of nationally televised games is at best, dicey. And even if you’re desperate for a sports fix, the Aussie Open is tape-delayed and Roger Federer was just eliminated.
There is one saving grace for the metro area fan during a week of banality; sports-talk radio station WFAN. Here are my favorite WFAN developments from the week that was…
1) Early morning-drive talk show host Craig Carton from the Boomer and Carton Show is valiantly on the air this week after an invasive hemorrhoid surgery. Today, while co-host Boomer Esiason was reading an ad for mint-scented, rodent proof trash bags, Carton was forced to interrupt his partner. The reason? A combination of blood and sweat secreted from the gauze pads wedged between Carton’s posterior was producing such a powerful and offensive odor that he felt the need to give Boomer adequate warning so that he could take cover. Boomer tried his best hold back from his hysterical state of laughter while reading the remainder of the ad but couldn’t, as Carton and other WFAN staff members tried to neutralize the paralyzing scent with Lysol - which turned out to be the wrong substance for such a daunting task.
2) Chris Russo from the “Mike and the Mad Dog” show made a $100 wager with co-host Mike Francesa. I was watching the YES television network simulcast of the show so I was able to see Russo reach into his wallet to get a crisp new C-Note for the bet. Maybe I was more impressed than most being that I have less than $100 in my Bank of America checking account, but the wad of cash in Russo’s wallet was second only to that of Pacman Jones during his infamous trip to Vegas. Ironically, nobody hates Pacman Jones more than the “Mad Dog.” Check it out
3) There’s no question that the “Mike and the Mad Dog” show is the brass ring of the sports talk industry. But we also know that the hosts are intolerably pompous and inexplicably rude to the very caller’s that worship their opinions. In the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl, “Mike and the Mad Dog” periodically morphs into “Mike and the Marquee” - a contest centered around Chris’s transformation into a game show host dressed in a majestic robe topped off by a full facial masquerade mask. Winners of the Super Bowl trivia challenge receive all-expense paid trips and tickets to the game. Long story short, Russo was called out by a few listeners for the trivia questions being too easy. The listeners were obviously just ribbing him, but even if they were serious, there would obviously be no real reason to be upset: 1) Because he’s carrying around the aforementioned wad of cash and 2) Because it’s a fun game with nice a intention - to give away a Super Bowl trip to somebody that probably could never afford it. For whatever reason, Russo took these accusations personally and turned revengeful. As the show went on he began to taunt game shows players, malevolently root against the contestants, and ridicule contestants that probably spend 2 hours on hold to play, just because they answered his obscure trivia questions incorrectly. My website partner Jack and I were chatting online (we're not techies) as we “listened live” from our homes, and we were in complete disbelief by this disgusting act of behavior by a 45+ year old man in a Marquee outfit, who was supposed be partaking in a fun activity - a once-a-year, special event that people enjoy. Instead, Russo looked like and was acting like an 8 year old kid on Halloween that got his packet of Pop Rocks stolen away from him. I’ll use one of Mad Dog’s own put downs - Bad Job by Russo in this spot.
MY 2008 Royal Rumble Pick (Sunday @ MSG): "The Game" Triple H, but don't sleep on the Undertaker or The Heartbreak Kid.
1/25/08
9:30 AM- Rise and shine. I’ve accomplished the “Threepeat”, also known as waking up three consecutive days before 10 AM, a most noble feat.
10:00 - Flipping through the channels to get the brain cells moving for the day, I decide to watch “The Marine”, starring John Cena. While it’s not the most realistic portrayal of marine life, it does a fine job in exploring the postwar struggles of a young jar head. Cena’s cushy $18/hr security position was not fulfilling enough- the satisfaction just wasn’t there. I switched over to SportCenter after the opening scene, not much of an attention grabber.
10:30- I accelerate the channel surfing to Mach 2 range, a gross exploitation of the finest television package this country has to offer. If you have not jumped on the Direct TV bandwagon, it’s not too late. Get that technology upgrade.
12:00- Anderson and I head out to the URI campus for lunch. We make a pit stop at Dunkin Donuts for a fresh brew of the local flavor. We drink and drive, finally deciding on Quizno’s due to the heralded Baja Chicken sandwich. Anderson orders first and I follow with an identical Baja Chicken order, minus the cheese and chipotle mayo. Apparently something was lost in translation and I ended up getting a small sandwich, borderline torture for an imposing 200 lb statuesque blogger. The preparer looked overworked; I’ll chalk it up to human error.
-I opened up a brief dialogue with her well-rested coworker. I came clean as a staunch Subway guy (Foot long Italian herbs and cheese, Chicken Parm w/ provolone and lettuce (a tip from a creative worker a few years ago, haven’t looked back since)). Everybody in the restaurant began smirking- I felt like a lesser man for some reason. I inquired about the possibility of creating a chicken parm with existing ingredients, but they wouldn’t budge.
12:15- I devour the Baja with Kobayashi type speed. It was painfully small and highly overrated. The last two recommendations I’ve been given have been sub par- The Number 23 and this sandwich. While the cilantro does a nice job in tying everything together, the heart of the sandwich is lacking. The worker said “you’ll never turn back” but I think my next lunch will be crafted by Subway.
12:30 - Anderson and I realize the lyrics to Wyclef Jean’s new song Sweetest Girl are not “I’mma tell you, like you told me”, but rather, “I’mma tell you, like WU told me.” It’s a great discovery, really alleviating a bit of confusion stemming from what we thought was a peculiar lyric.
12:50- Jay arrives and quickly jets to the refrigerator. He looks hungry, which is not a problem as he is expecting to dip into his pasta reserves. He specifically ordered three servings of pasta to extend through the weekend. The pasta is not there- Jay is furious. So here comes the classic Witch-hunt as we’ve all seen countless times. I knew I would be interrogated being the most notorious fridge thief in the house. “I did NOT eat the pasta.” I stood strong. I could say in confidence that I did NOT eat the leftovers. I then steered Jay towards a couple more likely suspects who I will breakdown case by case.
Me - An obvious choice. In the eyes of Jay and Co. this is not even a question. I’ve struck countless refrigerators in various kitchens. I’m battle tested. I know how to eat and deny with a straight face-an essential skill in this business. Odds 3/2
Jordan- A drifter who found his way to our house for the past few nights in search of shelter and maybe, one free meal too many. Jay may have run into the perfect storm here- a scary blend of a hungry penniless man with nothing to lose and a whole lotta carbs to gain. With my proclamation of innocence this seems like the most logical culprit. Odds 1/2
Mike- My personal favorite case- a true dark horse. He had his own tray of leftovers (Italian Macaroni and Cheese) which he saw as his cover. “Jay, why would I eat your food when I have my own?” he thought to himself. The perfect excuse. He was bulletproof. Untouchable. My theory is Mike was looking to spice things up a little bit, possibly thinking the grass may be greener with Jay’s chicken dish. He was late to bed and early to rise, so no problem logistically. He’s slipping through the cracks here, evading Jay’s furious line of questioning and I’m not too thrilled about it. Odds 5/1
Anderson- A very respectable man when it comes to leftovers. He’s been burned hundreds of times and exhibited some of the all time classic rants. He’s a provider. Very unlikely for him to cross that line and join the dark side I know all too well. The only reason he’s on this list is because he was in the house. Odds 10/1
Alyssa- She may even be a bigger dark horse than Mike. She was spotted a couple times late night/early morning snooping around the kitchen. This would be totally out of character for her, which she may have played to her advantage. Why would anybody think she ate the leftovers in question? Definitely a conspiracy theory, but there may be something to it. 100/1
1:05- Mike and the Maddog come on the YES network. This last week has been some of the best TV of the year. Maddog’s “Marquee” persona for the trivia segment of the show is hilarious. For those of you who don’t know he wears a regal looking outfit which includes a flamboyant mask. Yesterday a few callers spoke of easy questioning sending Marquee into pit-bull mode for two hours. The questions became harder and Marquee cursed out every failed caller. There has never been more foolish behavior on live TV. A middle aged man with a slurred NY drawl in complete Marquee mode ranting and raving after every incorrect answer while continuously referencing the callers who sparked this fire.
***This concludes the RD titled January 25, 2008***
I’d like to ask you the reader for a bit of advice. I’m looking to join a local gym and I’ve got two very strong options available.
World’s Gym- Everything you look for in a gym. Beautiful, state- of- the art equipment, large spread of “flat panel” televisions, inspiring music, generous hours of operation. Basically just the total package, the “five-tool” gym.
Steve’s Gym- “The Time Machine.” This is a real blast from the past. This “gym” is wedged in the corner of a strip mall, in between a Subway and a pet store. While the chick parm and the doggies in the window are nice perks, they may rank highly on a short list of superlatives for this place. The owner, Steve, gave us a tour the other day and delivered his sales pitch. He spoke of training athletes out in California and the muscle tearing and rebuilding process. We were impressed by this because Steve has a commanding presence, eerily similar to Sylvester Stallone. He offers lower rates than World’s and offers $39 personal training sessions. It is also much closer in proximity to my house. I’d be sacrificing a ton in gym equipment and exercise opportunity, but I’d be gaining a bit of muscle (Steve) for any future protection.
What do you think guys?
Send all recommendations and suspected culprit to ilovethisgame@yahoo.com
ZN Finds Himself in a Tough Spot...
The one week hiatus between the NFL conference championships and the Super Bowl is rather mundane for the New York sports fan, or any sports fan for that matter. The NFL stories coming out of the respective locker rooms are purely hype and predicated on half truths. Super Bowl predictions and analysis are generally tepid because writers and talk show hosts need to save some bullets for the upcoming week. The NFL draft, MLB hot stove, and NCAA hoops just don’t seem pertinent. The Knicks and Nets are terrible and the NBA's scheduling of nationally televised games is at best, dicey. And even if you’re desperate for a sports fix, the Aussie Open is tape-delayed and Roger Federer was just eliminated.
There is one saving grace for the metro area fan during a week of banality; sports-talk radio station WFAN. Here are my favorite WFAN developments from the week that was…
1) Early morning-drive talk show host Craig Carton from the Boomer and Carton Show is valiantly on the air this week after an invasive hemorrhoid surgery. Today, while co-host Boomer Esiason was reading an ad for mint-scented, rodent proof trash bags, Carton was forced to interrupt his partner. The reason? A combination of blood and sweat secreted from the gauze pads wedged between Carton’s posterior was producing such a powerful and offensive odor that he felt the need to give Boomer adequate warning so that he could take cover. Boomer tried his best hold back from his hysterical state of laughter while reading the remainder of the ad but couldn’t, as Carton and other WFAN staff members tried to neutralize the paralyzing scent with Lysol - which turned out to be the wrong substance for such a daunting task.
2) Chris Russo from the “Mike and the Mad Dog” show made a $100 wager with co-host Mike Francesa. I was watching the YES television network simulcast of the show so I was able to see Russo reach into his wallet to get a crisp new C-Note for the bet. Maybe I was more impressed than most being that I have less than $100 in my Bank of America checking account, but the wad of cash in Russo’s wallet was second only to that of Pacman Jones during his infamous trip to Vegas. Ironically, nobody hates Pacman Jones more than the “Mad Dog.” Check it out
3) There’s no question that the “Mike and the Mad Dog” show is the brass ring of the sports talk industry. But we also know that the hosts are intolerably pompous and inexplicably rude to the very caller’s that worship their opinions. In the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl, “Mike and the Mad Dog” periodically morphs into “Mike and the Marquee” - a contest centered around Chris’s transformation into a game show host dressed in a majestic robe topped off by a full facial masquerade mask. Winners of the Super Bowl trivia challenge receive all-expense paid trips and tickets to the game. Long story short, Russo was called out by a few listeners for the trivia questions being too easy. The listeners were obviously just ribbing him, but even if they were serious, there would obviously be no real reason to be upset: 1) Because he’s carrying around the aforementioned wad of cash and 2) Because it’s a fun game with nice a intention - to give away a Super Bowl trip to somebody that probably could never afford it. For whatever reason, Russo took these accusations personally and turned revengeful. As the show went on he began to taunt game shows players, malevolently root against the contestants, and ridicule contestants that probably spend 2 hours on hold to play, just because they answered his obscure trivia questions incorrectly. My website partner Jack and I were chatting online (we're not techies) as we “listened live” from our homes, and we were in complete disbelief by this disgusting act of behavior by a 45+ year old man in a Marquee outfit, who was supposed be partaking in a fun activity - a once-a-year, special event that people enjoy. Instead, Russo looked like and was acting like an 8 year old kid on Halloween that got his packet of Pop Rocks stolen away from him. I’ll use one of Mad Dog’s own put downs - Bad Job by Russo in this spot.
MY 2008 Royal Rumble Pick (Sunday @ MSG): "The Game" Triple H, but don't sleep on the Undertaker or The Heartbreak Kid.
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